sometimes i forget...

how far i have come from that place i was. i started thinking of the turning point that initially motivated me to lose weight. i remember the moment that katie and i made our decision to do Weight Watchers together. at the time, i never dreamed that it would actually work. i just figured why not?! but from week to week, to see the progress and then eventually to have clothes that once were skin tight or didn't fit at all falling off...it just felt so amazing! i *had* to keep going.

it is strange how the brain plays tricks on you. i would look at pictures of myself and never see what i had become physically. i mean i obviously knew i was overweight, but it didn't register how big i truly was. all along as i lost weight, i had one particular picture of myself in my mind as a motivation. right after my papa died, i quit my insane job in new york and the 5 hour a day commute that went along with it. the stress of this daily routine definitely caused a major weight gain for me because i was so very unhappy at the time. i had no life at all because everything i had was put into work. i kept my nana company for about a month or two in an attempt to ease some of her pain. it was likely an all-time low for both of us. the photo that i saw of myself in a bathing suit in nana's album taken during my time spent in florida -- near the height of my weight gain -- was shocking to me. it was basically the first time that i saw what i really and truly looked like.

just recently, i asked my nana to send me this photo. i haven't seen it since way back before i started WW. here goes:



to see it again was STARTLING. it embarrasses me now that i allowed myself to get to that point. i remember the pain of feeling like i was out of control, but also feeling like there was nothing i could really do. i had just accepted that this is who i was and this was how i was going to have to live my life. i feel angry with myself that i believed that. i wasted so much of what are supposed to be the greatest moments of your life being held back by my low self-esteem and weight.

anyhow, it feels good for me to acknowledge that i had it within myself to motivate and eventually lose 100 pounds. and though i have gained 30 lbs. back, i know i have the ability to get to where i need to be. i've done it before and i can do it again! this time though i would like to get all of the way to goal.